Well, we’re two weeks into the season and one thing is certain … absolutely nothing is certain. Shit teams seem good. Good teams seem shit. As they say, “calm down, it’s fucking early.” That said, I bring to you the first of a recurring series: The BRHL Power Rankings.

These rankings are based entirely on science. So if you don’t like where your team is, feel free to send Bill Nye a tersely worded letter.  

 

That’s enough pre-amble. Here are the rankings:

 

1.     Colorado Avalanche – Oh boy, I can hear Mr. Anonymous twiddling his tiny cock between his fingers from all the way over here. “There he goes, kissing Bryce’s ass again!” (tug, tug, tug.) Trust me, I truly hate to do this because it will only add fuel to Bryce’s incessant Aho and Soumela boasts. But the numbers speak for themselves. Two weeks in, he’s undefeated and therefore #1. Of course, three of those wins came against the Wild, Flyers and Sabres. So, let’s see how long it lasts.

 

2.     Winnipeg Jets – Ummmm … what? I know I’m not alone when I say this makes me question everything I know to be true in the world. That’s not to say the Jets are a bad team (they’re not.) But undefeated? WTF? Not only that, but the Dr. has ridden Garrett Sparks, bareback, to 6 victories while the oft-maligned Carey Price dry humps the pine. Tough to see the Jets keeping it up, especially when Boone Jenner and Nazim Kadri come back down to earth. And, you know, Garrett Sparks. But what do I know?

 

3.     Dallas Stars – I’m sure this will make Rich very happy. That his good friend and non-white pen pal, Junya Kato, has cracked the top-3. How is he doing it? Depth.  Junya has 7 players with 6 or more points, with Ryan (you could have traded for him in the offseason) O’Reilly leading the way.  Plus, he’s figured out the sim.

 

4.     Detroit Red Wings – The answer is, “Connor Hellebuyck has a 0.947 SV% and a 1.97 GAA.” Guess what the question is? That’s right, it’s “what is Connor Hellebuyck’s save percentage and GAA?” Also, “why are the Red Wings doing so well?” What’s also impressive, is that the Red Wings are winning while Stevie Stamkos only has 1 point in 7 games. Which is Jimmy Hayes-level shit.

 

5.     New York Islanders -  This team is already scary-good. But when Tyler Bozak can start the season off as your team’s leading scorer and net 9 points in 6 games, that doesn’t bode well for the rest of the division. Nay, the league. Vasilevskiy’s 0.914 PCT is solid, yet unspectacular. Meanwhile, Charlie McAvoy has 0 goals, proving how awful he is. He should be traded to the Bruins.

 

6.     Boston Bruins – Everyone on the Bruins team has contributed at least a point, except for Nate Schmidt. Who clearly needs more HGH cream rubbed into his foreskin. Depth has been the key for the B’s, as 7 players have 5 or more points in only 6 games, with Ovi leading the way with 6 goals and 5 assists in 6 games. Unlike the real-life Pasta, who is a beast and just as good as Auston Matthews, the BRHL Pasta only has 1 goal and 2 assists.

 

7.     Carolina Hurricanes – The elder Cordell statesman is showing young Devon and Toby how this game is played. Led by the $12.5 million dollar man, Eric Staal, and his 5 goals, Richey Rich is in a slugfest with the Islanders. But … BUT … he’s just lost two in a row and after Staal, there isn’t a lot to give the team hope, with Andreas Anthanasiou and Johnny Boychuk the second leading scorers. Never a good sign.

 

8.     Arizona Coyotes – Much like the real-life Coyotes, these guys can’t score. In fact, only 7 Coyotes have put one in the back of the net this season. Meanwhile, they’ve only given up 7 goals as Martin Jones (.963 PCT/1.00 GAA) has been reeee-dick-u-lous. Joel has put together a decent team. Time will tell if it’s enough to keep the success going. 

 

9.     Vegas Golden Nights – This is where things start to get murky. Especially this early on. Because, on paper, this team and its star studded lineup should be higher in the power rankings. Goal scoring hasn’t been a problem, as the Knights are averaging 3.5 GPG. But keeping the puck out of their own net has been their Achilles.  Back end needs to be tighter (insert your own joke here) because a +5 goal differential isn’t a recipe for sustained success.

 

10. Chicago Blackhawks – Has anyone heard from Dave? He’s been really quiet on the chat this season. Someone might want to knock on his door. Make sure a hooker didn’t leave him tied up to his bed. Do you think he’s noticed that his team has quietly gotten 9 points? And that Torrey Krug has 0 BRHL points on the season? Dave?

 

11. Montreal Canadians – Sergei Bobrovski has been human this season. Perhaps still feeling the ill effects of his injury during last season’s BRHL playoffs. On the flip side, Timo Meier only has 1 BRHL point. Just stating facts here. The Canadians boast a solid team, but perhaps a true lack of scoring depth keeps them merely sniffing around the balls of the top tier teams all season long.

 

12. New York Rangers – With wins against the Capitals, Preds and Oilers and losses to the Sharks and Sabres, it’s tough to figure out which way the Rangers are going. On paper, this team is stacked. Auston Matthews, the greatest player since David Pastrnak, leads the charge. With league-favorite Brad Marchand not far behind. The goal differential of -3 and a lack of high DF rates might be causes for concern.

 

13. Los Angeles Kings – Is the dynasty already over? This offensive juggernaut has put up a paltry 19 goals in 7 games. That’s 2.7 GPG for those of you with a calculator. Kuznetzov … 0 goals. Karlsson … 0 goals. Laine … 2 goals. Timo Meier … 1 point. It will certainly turn around, right? Unless this team peaked in the offseason.

 

14. St. Louis Blues – It’s never a great sign when 10 players on your team have either 0 or 1 point through 6 games. Although, after coming out of the gate 0-3, the Blues have rattled off 3 straight wins. Maybe it was early season jitters? Maybe team owner Cat Stevens was spending too much time on DraftKings? He loves that shit. Maybe he hasn’t figured out the sim, like Junya. Who knows?

 

15. Pittsburgh Penguins – Hi Toby!!! So, this is probably a sneaky good team. I’m not sure it has the firepower to make it far in the playoffs, but as the early season has shown, they can be a pain in the dick to play against. Some elite talent, some puck movers on the blue line, but unfortunately, a Ziploc bag full of diarrhea in net. They’ve benefitted from a soft schedule to start the season. Let’s see what happens when the games get harder.

 

16. Calgary Flames – I had the Flames ranked higher — out of respect for Kevin and the success he had last season. Then yesterday against the Preds happened. Eeesh. Getting outshot 50-19 by a winless team is never a good look. Is it a blip on the radar, or are the Flames showing their true colors? Pre-season was a disaster, but then again, it’s pre-season. This will be one of the most interesting teams to watch.

 

17. Columbus Blue Jackets – This is another team that is going to be a complete pain in the ass. In my preseason predictions (which you’ll hear on the new podcast in a week or so), I thought the Blue Jackets were going to be one of the sneakier teams in the East. So far just two losses and those were to Colorado and Detroit— hard to criticize them for. Their schedule is about to get easy for a few weeks, playing lots of rebuilding teams. The real challenge is next month.

 

18. Tampa Bay Lightning – Like the Blue Jackets, this ranking might be a tad misleading. I expect both teams to be much higher as the season goes on. Tampa is another one of my sneaky-good teams (seriously, why even bother finishing the podcast at this point?) But much like the Jackets, 5 games is too small a sample size to make an honest assessment. Mike Smith has been kicking ass thus far. But Brent Burns has 0 points. That’s a pace neither will probably maintain.

 

19. Ottawa Senators – After some serious offseason action, Steph and his enormous balls said fuck it and decided to swing for the proverbial fences. Swapping big name players and lots of his future, he is all-in to win now. How’s that plan going? Well, you know the meme where the dog is sitting at a table with a cup of coffee in front of him and everything is burning down around him and the caption reads “This is fine.”? That’s how I’d describe the Senators season thus far.

 

20. Buffalo Sabres – With these first power rankings, I’m mixing in where I expected teams to finish and how they’ve actually performed. So as you can imagine, the Sabres were actually the toughest team to rank. In terms of pure math, they should be much higher on the list thus far. But they have declared that they are rebuilding, and have been making trades accordingly. Do I expect them to keep it up? No. But they’ve already given the Golden Knights two rusty trombones in the early going and only lost by 1 to both the Bruins and the Aves. So are they really a mirage? Yeah, probably.

 

21. New Jersey Devils – Probably too low for the defending champs. But 5 games and a goal differential of 0 doesn’t inspire confidence in the early going. Logan Couture has been an assists machine. But Devan Dubnyk looks like the real life Tuukka Rask. That’s not a compliment. Blake Wheeler has 1 goal and 2 assists. Not exactly earning that UFA contract.

 

22. Nashville Predators – Let me ask you something, what’s your favorite kind of yogurt? Do you guys like yo-yo’s? What’s the most overrated deep-sea fish? Ah yes, sweet, sweet, special Sheds. I’ve been on record on the podcast about how hilarious I find him to be. His random questions and non-sequiturs on the chat only adding fuel to the fire. But what is not funny (check out this turn), is the disaster that is the Preds BRHL team (nailed it.) They aren’t this bad. I’m not sure they are a playoff team. But they’re not this bad. Also, how do you feel about legumes?

 

23. Toronto Maple Leafs – Much like the NHL Leafs, this defense is a fucking train wreck. Corey Schneider’s numbers have been good. But Calvin Pickard has been a disaster. Also, where’s the Drew Doughty trade we were all promised? That’s a joke, obviously. No one actually believed that trade was happening, because no one has five 1^st round picks to trade. This team has too much talent to be this far in the basement all season long though.

 

24. San Jose Sharks – How will the Finnish national team do this year? Probably not great. They have the looks of a lottery squad. And as luck would have it Kotkaniemi is there for the taking. “Losing many for Kotkaniemi!” Hmm, it could catch on.

 

25. Philadelphia Flyers – The Flyers are here because they have no incentive to try and win. There are some parts and pieces here, especially Giroux who could net a substantial return. But will Anthony move him? Trust the process.

 

26. Seattle Stoners – The Rex vs. Larry debate is boring. Their opposite strategies have  been debated countless times. But in the first Power Ranking of the year, Seattle has the edge. Of course, since the #1 pick is the goal, Washington actually wins here. I know, this is like trying to decode the ending to Inception. I suggest you just shrug and move on.

 

27. Minnesota Wild – Only six players on the Wild have scored a goal and nine have zero points. Chris Kreider, the de-facto leader is a -6 with 0 points. Ouch. Big Al does have a few pieces he can move to accelerate the youth movement. But wins will be few and far between. But it’s football season, so Al is happy.

 

28. Vancouver Canucks – They’ve taken the Flames and the Penguins to a shootout. And that’s about where the good news ends. It’s going to be interesting to see who trades for Ryan Sutter and how quickly that will help accelerate the rebuild. Hopefully they get a huge return and an Edible Arrangement™.

 

 

29. Washington Capitals – You did it Larry, you won TWO games!  You even beat the Golden Knights. Regardless, offensive powerhouse, and Lady Byng Award winner, Radko Gudas is leading the way with 6 points in 7 games. Washington will usually out hit their opponents. So that’s something, I guess.

 

30. Anaheim Ducks – Anyone have $40 million in cap room and need a goalie? I hear Crawford is available. He could trade Gibson and really blow open the rebuild. By the time all of these prospects are of legal drinking age, Gibson with be collecting social security. But what do I know? I’m new here.

 

31. Florida Panthers – Everyday, Carl Hagelin walks into this dressing room, looks around and asks himself, “What the fuck am I doing here?”

 

32. Edmonton Oilers – Total. Fucking. Dumpster. Fire.