BRHL from an Outsider.

None of you know me. Well, that’s not true. Some of you know me on the ICQ chat as “Lance Uppercut.” Unfortunately, my parents are pussies and they named me something far less funny — “Greg”. Underwhelming, I know. So you see why I went with Lance. Anyway, I’m new here. Or, more specifically, I’m trying to be new here. I’m not in the BRHL. Not yet anyway. But like I said, I’m trying.

I suppose we should also get this out of the way. For those who don’t know, I’m friends with Junya. This is where you can roll your eyes, groan and mutter a racial slur (either out loud or in your head, it’s your call.) Like all of you, I’m a big hockey and fantasy sports nerd. So one day Junya says to me, “You should be in this league, it’s amazing.” He put me in touch with Bryce. And Bryce said, “just jump in on the ICQ chat and start talking to everyone. Be active. And we’ll see what happens.” So that’s why I just showed up one day. Like a small, wet clump of bird shit, unexpectedly landing on the back of your collective necks. You’re welcome.

I’ll admit, at first it was weird. But as it turns out, it’s pretty great. For me anyway.  Coming in blind, ICQ helped paint a picture of the league and its members. It’s amazing how much you can learn about a group of people when you’re on the outside looking in. Sure a judge and/or local law enforcement agents might call that voyeurism. But why split hairs?

Anyway, I’m writing this today not just to introduce myself, but also because I thought it would be fun to share with you the picture that has been painted in my head about the league. In broad strokes, each of you has a distinct voice, style and persona. This chat, like most message boards is brimming with nonsense, ball busting, posturing and bullshit. But to a total stranger, your interactions paint an amazing picture of each of you, true or not. So I wanted to share. Because I thought it would be fun. If I were writing a film about this league (that literally no one would watch), these would be the character profiles I would use.

Disclaimer: Remember, I know none of you personally. This is simply the picture painted in my head by following along.

*Bryce edit, that’s code for don’t be a pussy and get butthurt if he makes fun of you*

Anyway, here goes.

Anthony – Owns a brewery, which is NOT named Kinkaid. Seems like a missed opportunity. I’m guessing it’s called “Who wants Condon?” I mean, it has to be, right?

Rich – He really hates Junya. Much in the same way fat people hate vegetables. Or treadmills. Or diabetes. I don’t think there has ever been one civil exchange between the two of them. Oh, also, Rich may have slept with Junya’s mom.

Dan – From what I gather, medically speaking, Dan is considered “overweight.” His dad has accrued a significant fortune that Dan is in line to inherit— which he reminded everyone about every few days. He moonlights as a sports radio intern at a great Boston station. And he is pissed that he has to pay $20,000 an hour for the internet moving forward, which, ironically, he can actually afford. Also, everyone wants to make passionate love to his sister. I know he’s no longer in the league, but I found him very entertaining. Oh, right. He also banged Junya’s mom.

Jordan – Moved to Australia. Is a doctor. Opted for individual, water-filled, wearable beach balls for his kids instead of a swimming pool. CLASSIC Australia move right there. It always seems to be 26 degrees wherever he is. Which doesn’t seem impressive until you realize that temperature is in Celsius. But then again, Celsius is bullshit. Also, please offer him fair value for Carey Price, you cunts.

Kevin – Loves the Calgary Flames. Yet seems to hate himself for it. I imagine he has both a Mike Vernon AND a Jarome Iginla Fathead on the ceiling directly above his bed. For the record, I’m typing this while wearing nothing but a silk, Andy Moog bathrobe. So no judgments from me.

Junya – Did you guys know he’s Asian? I don’t think you do. He also seems to be a universally loved member of the ICQ chat. He doesn’t start shit or stir the pot in any way at all. His comments are all logical and I think if he were to have yet another child, Rich would be named its Godfather. That is, if he didn’t hate Rich so much. Also, his mother seems to have a sexual proclivity towards fantasy hockey players. Which is totally normal.

Larry –A total legend. Lives in Florida. Armed to the tits. I can only picture him as Clint Eastwood in “Gran Torino”. Based on everyone’s comments, I put his age somewhere between 55 and 117. I’m editorializing, but I’d like to think that he walks around shirtless wearing a sleeveless leather vest. I really hope that’s true.

Bryce – Best goddamn commissioner in the history of fantasy/sim leagues. Definitely not pandering on my part. Appears to be on team MAGA. Lives in Colorado. Next door to Tim Thomas’ compound? Maybe? Hopefully? Seems comfortable with the fact that he will be undoubtedly paying $48,000 a day for internet moving forward.

Devon – Rich’s son. Doesn’t seem to hate Junya as much as his dad. Really not happy about the Dan firing. Also, I don’t think he has had sex with Junya’s mom. But again, I’m new here.

Tyler – aka. Rumpy. Lives on Hoth. Otherwise known as Alberta. He’s a Bruins fan, so he’s okay by me. Seems to enjoy his libations. Which is also okay by me too. After all, Frank Sinatra once said, “I feel bad for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” He has also taught me a valuable lesson that you don’t go out on the weekends with the other Alberta riggers to fight for the right to sleep with one of the three decent looking chicks in town. You wait until Wednesday. Your odds are way better. Borderline genius.

Ryan – Where is he? What the fuck? He got a team and he’s not active. Is he active? Oh, wait, there he is. Never mind.

Eric – Penguins fan with a Jewish sister who just moved to Chicago who is extremely particular about her salt. He is co-commissioner of the league and his 100 cats run the sims. Eric is also probably really handsome and good with the ladies. Something especially true if he and Bryce decide to give me a team. Again, not pandering one bit.

Kirk – Also lives in a deep frozen abyss. Mixes cement for a living, apparently. In America, we have trucks for that, but what do I know? His testicles, according to the chats, have a permanent home in his wife’s pocketbook. Which seems a tad inconvenient. Although, he was allowed to be the one to “fire” Dan. Which gave him a joy the world hasn’t seen since the Berlin Wall came down. Also has a reputation of making largely one-sided trades. Getting “Kirked” I believe its called.

Greg – That’s me. Well the truth is, I’m actually Junya. Who is actually Dan. Who is actually Junya. Remember the movie the Talented Mr. Ripley where Ben Affleck was a janitor at Harvard and then this one professor took a liking to him and realized he was a genius because he liked apples? That’s the long con we’re all playing on everyone. What I mean by that is Junya is actually Matt Damon. I’m a college janitor. Matt Damon is Asian. And Dan never actually existed.

Well, that’s all I’ve got. Obviously not all of the league members are active on the chat. And others like Garrett, Jesse, Joel, Bill, Steve (aka. Big Vard), etc. all seem like great guys who know their shit who haven’t quite chatted enough during my time to craft a solid persona in my mind. Nothing personal. Like I said, I’m new here.

Anyway, I hope to stick around and have my balls busted thoroughly by all of you for many years to come. Thanks for reading.

Oh, one more thing.

Who wants Condon?

- Greg (Lance Uppercut)