*Please note, I formatted into a readable version and ran spellcheck, other than that, and a few punctuation fixes, here's what was sent to me overnight in (I assume) a drunken rant.

Top 10 Things We’ve Learned In Free Agency

10. Dunya is an idiot. From having a stupid run of luck as an 8 seed to the finals, to being 1 and done last year. He’s really done nothing as a GM, his starter is James freaking Reimer, and he was given a stacked team to begin with. His big FA move? Paying Mikko Koivu double what he’s worth. Way to go you dumb shit, enjoy your slide into mediocrity, and with no picks the next 2 years.

9. Commish Eric really is a POS. Only intent is to fuck everyone over in RFA, which explains why his team sucks so bad. The Blues won’t make the playoffs for a longtime with this putz at the helm. At least his fucking cats love him.

8. Speaking of a POS, why does Joe in Washington never get crap from anyone? He constantly sides with his hero Dan, lucked into some decent players by licking balls for years, and in FA pouts anytime his guys got upped. Way to overpay Patrick fucking Eaves. Ya he will put butts in seats.

7. Rex. Rex. Rex. Despite realizing he’s built that team into a shit hole corner and now wants to leave for Vegas, he still fucks the franchise over by not trying to get value for Subban, simply matching the moronic offer that fuckwad Eric made. Then he signs Burns and has just a loaded team. With absolutely no goaltending. I can’t wait for him to come offering on my starting goalie, explaining to me why he’s overpaying so much when he offers Chris fucking Kreider like he’s Mike Bossy reincarnated.

6. Rumpy. You have the best goalie in the sim, who can cover for a lot of mistakes, literally no other elite goalie in the West, and you trade him for Timo fucking Meier? You wonder why people call you Kirks AGM? Stupid move after stupid move like this is why. Good luck ever being more than mediocre, when you turn whatever good asset you have into shit. Speaking of which

5. Year 230405 of the rebuild in Anaheim continues. After another wasted year of sucking balls, Devon gets fleeced by everyone’s favorite greaseball and gives up 4^th overall for 2 twinkies, a slim jim, and a RC Cola. But he “made up for it” with other deals. That’s not the point you halfwit daddy’s boy. Everytime you trade a filet mignon for 3 salisbury steaks, you lose. At least your crochety old man knows how to try and win, granted he hasn’t had a future in 4 years. Maybe combine your mentalities and you could have a team capable of missing the playoffs by 2 points every year.

4. The fucking Hansford gremlins. Not every fucking trade negotiation has to have you asking for a top 10 pick for a 3^rd line player. Really it doesn’t. How many people have to make fun of your crap offers (and the fact your teams never do shit) until you get fucking real. We aren’t your hero Steve Simmons and the world doesn’t revolve around your shitty Leafdom. At the same time, fuck you all Leafers.

3. Anthony, your team blows, we know Kinkaid is available, we know you’re gonna run to Dan with every trade offer. Grow a pair and evaluate your own team, it’s not like they can get any worse. Nice fucking offers to Fleury and Giroux, enjoy the Devon model of rebuilding.

2. How the fuck does everyone let Bryce crush FA? If he signs Johnson in the morning you all should be publicly flogged (editor note, I did, thanks everyone). After whining like a bitch about his guys getting upped last minute, everyone feels bad for the crybaby and leaves his guys alone. Pussies. This idiot hasn’t won shit here and always has an excuse, maybe the truth is, you just blow.

1. NBC Dave. Truly the biggest story in FA was Dave getting his feelings hurt and needing time in his safe space. Joke credit to 28 other GMs. We’re really sorry the team George built you appears to be disintegrating, we’re really sorry Eric hurt your feelings. We hope that time away from the chat allows you to get ahold of yourself, maybe attend an anti-Trump march, or at least jerk it to a picture of Trudeau. Stop fucking whining, everyone else would have done the same thing, it’s free agency, not free friendsy. For someone who has mocked others about building through free agency, we would have thought you’d have a little thicker skin to the process. Between the sensitivity of Dave and the stupidity of Junya are we really that concerned about Asia doing anything significant in the future.